Feeling all the feelings
The last week has been an intense one. Truly, I have been feeling all the feelings. I have run the gamut from fear to bliss, from trepidation to excitement. I have gone from moments of complete confidence to silently talking myself down from the cliff as I sit on a crowded subway. Wearing too many layers. Drinking hot coffee. Sweating.
And, as the our pilot premiere/Kickstarter Launch party loomed closer and closer and it was finally time to press play in front of an audience and reveal all we have been working on, my pulse was racing. I thought silently "Here we go..." as my finger moved the mouse over that teeny-tiny triangle button. I do not usually get nervous, but in that moment I felt vulnerable. Negative thoughts popped into my head. What if people don't laugh? What if people are unimpressed? What if my acting is ACTUALLY TERRIBLE? ...What if I am in over my head?
...What if no one wants to donate to our Kickstarter after seeing this?
In hindsight, I'll admit all of these were silly fears; unproductive and unhelpful. But it is easy to let your mind get carried away. If you listen to fear and give it command, it will bring you to your knees.
But by silencing my fear I learned confidence. And it became even clearer to me that people are not born with confidence. No one intrinsically has it. Confidence, especially in yourself, grows from a few things: conquering fear, pushing the envelope, and stepping outside your comfort zone. It's a powerful and important lesson because once you learn it, it makes fear a powerful tool rather than a hindrance. If I feel my pulse quicken, and my inner monologue says, "Here we go..." I know from experience that I am doing the right thing; that I am on the correct path.
I felt my pulse on Sunday night. I am indeed, on the right path.
For those of you who could not attend the party just know it was a joyous and happy night. Over 100 people turned out and watched the pilot of Sublets. The climax of my anxiety gave way to cheers and whoops of people excited to support our endeavor...and as I stood in the back of the theatre with my arm around my girlfriend and listened to the laughter as the jokes DID land, as my acting WAS okay, as people WERE impressed, and looked to Caitlin and knew we were NOT in over our heads, I knew I had found a feeling so wonderful that there are very few times in my life that could compare.
As I write this five days later we have passed 25% funded -a huge benchmark and a huge accomplishment! It is overwhelming in itself that in less than 100 hours we have come so much closer to solidifying my dream. The thought that if I can do this three more times in the next 25 days my dream WILL happen gives me giddy excitement. It will no longer be in question. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I'm trying not to let the excitement of a great start leave me sitting pretty, waiting. There are literally hundreds of people to ask for support, not one of which I can take for granted! It takes a large group of people to raise this kind of money and I am feeling lucky in that I have a network of people to reach out to.
My feelings have changed in the last week; the generosity of others has astounded me. I had not felt the gravitas of experiencing people give selflessly to support me in such a tangible way. People are coming out of the woodwork who I would have never thought to even approach for a donation and sending notes of hope and enthusiasm for what we are trying to accomplish! After all of these events, benchmarks, conversations, moments, and challenges in the last week--after the ups and downs, the fears and the thrills-- the feeling that resounds loudest within me is thankfulness.
So I guess that's what I want to say. Thank you.